New Toulouse

Neighbors of the Fifolet pharmacy at the corner of Woodget and Pontalba are reporting odd noises along with comings and goings at all hours. Mr. Hugo Zimmermann, the proprietor of Fifolet pharmacy (hours of operation 8:00–11:00 am and 3–6 pm, as “the Zim” likes his nap), says that egg creams are on special offer and that you should stop in for one but should absolutely avoid the place between noon and 2:00 pm.

Speaking of naps, this reporter was rudely awakened in his modest room by a loud rapping at the door, and shortly a handbill appeared under it:


On the back it read, “DJ Ghosty Kips brings a two-hour set of science fiction-themed music for your listening pleasure! Our newly cleared dance floor is ready for aliens, space pirates, robots, and denizens of the future! Knock on the wherehouse door to get to the old piano elevator. Mister Zimmermann doesn’t want us tramping through the drugstore anymore.”

Obviously none of that makes any sense.

We also have reports of goat activity in the area—never a good sign but apparently the “new normal”  since Prohibition was enacted earlier this year. Citizens should exercise caution in the northwest district, especially at night and during the daytime.

Jack Mondieu wouldn’t know but suggests bringing an empty flask or three.

The Volstead Act went into effect on January 17, but temperance advocates complain that local enforcement of the alcoholic beverage ban has been “lackadaisical.” Meanwhile, local Carnival festivities are at an all-time low, but an anti-Prohibition parade will take place this weekend. So what does Prohibition mean for New Toulouse?

When we tracked him down at the Green-Eyed Fairy (a local tavern), police spokesman Brendan Bacon explained that local enforcement efforts were on hold because Mayor Henri Godenot is treating the responsible federal agents to a fishing trip. According to Patrolman Bacon, compliance with the law during Carnival “won’t matter much anyway” since “the feds are all tied up” (presumably figuratively). They are expected to be released on Ash Wednesday.

Francesca Alva, the owner of the Green-Eyed Fairy, seemed unfazed by the new law. “As far as I can see, Prohibition is a Yankee notion brought in to encourage people to drink more. Here in New Toulouse, we don’t have that problem. Furthermore, we do all our business with independent local suppliers. I don’t foresee any problems as long as the mayor keeps on greasing the palms of … I mean, liaising with the federal authorities.”

Mrs. Jedidiah Slump, speaking for the Ladies’ Temperance Association, argued that families continue to be “ravaged by the demon drink.” She called upon city officials to expedite local enforcement efforts and called upon Jed to get home straight after work or he could get his own damn supper.

A City Hall official, speaking anonymously because he was not authorized to give comment, explained that since New Toulouse has “a largely booze-based economy, we’re going easy on businesses” during this time of transition. He expects that Bayou will be largely exempt from scrutiny unless the feds hire some swamp-canny Cajuns.

This Saturday, February 15, at 12:00 noon SLT, Krewe Bayou kicks off another raucous walking parade downtown, the theme of which is “To Hell With Prohibition.” February 15 is also National Hippo Day, so it’s reasonable to expect some “lake cow” presence. The parade begins at the French Market.

---

Jack Mondieu nominates Boudreaux and Thibodeaux to root out those Bayou moonshine stills.

If you thought you heard the patter of tiny feet around the city on Saturday, you weren’t imagining it. The Tiny Social Aid and Pleasure Club played host to the 8th Tiny Dance in aid of Relay For Life.

Twenty-five people crowded into the little club near the cemetery for two hours of dancing to the Totally Legitimate tunes of Manfred “Mani” Hancroft. A favorite Tiny slogan is “Tinies haz big funz,” and we certainly did. The joint was fairly jumping.

There was a slight moment of discomfort when Patrolman Bacon stopped by, and for a moment everyone thought it was a raid. Happily this upstanding member of New Toulouse’s finest was persuaded, in the time-honored manner (I can always set it against tax), to stay and enjoy the fun.

As reported elsewhere, we raised a staggering L$12,450 on the day, and I am delighted to report that a late donation raised that total to L$13,450.

See more pictures on page 7 by Tattler society photographer Pieni Cakefox.

---

Francesca Alva’s favorite song is “Raccoon Around the Christmas Tree.” Pieni Cakefox is a well-known patron of the arts and is not safe around cake. Quiet Wonder moonlights as Big Belle Peppa with the Oh God What Is That marching band.

Determined to test the truth of William Blake’s proverb “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom,” a bacchanalian throng of New Toulouse citizens and visitors ate, drank, and reveled their way through the Carnival season, which culminated in the annual Samedi Gras Parade on Saturday, February 10. Masked men, flirtatiously fleshy women, and even a team of stately unicorns rolled through the streets, either leading or atop a series of intricately wrought floats, all of which stood out as pristine works of art. A further delight was the surprise appearance of Ms. Maggie Hawksby as Queen of Carnival, a revelation which warmed the memories of even the most inebriated Taloosters. Ms. Hawksby reigned with elegance over Carnival just a short two years ago, and her presence served as a poignant reminder of our fair city’s storied history and deep tradition.

While eager onlookers were treated to a multitude of different “throws” from the float riders, the prize catch of the season was the Krewe of Wulfenbach’s engraved silver beer stein. Though there were reports of at least two unaware onlookers requiring a set of stitches to repair gashes resulting from stray steins, those with quick reflexes and sticky mitts came away with a keepsake both lovely and useful.


Having arrived at the end of the road of excess, the more pious among us marked the beginning of the Lenten season by attending the Ash Wednesday liturgy at the recently renamed Our Lady of Wisdom chapel. Visiting archbishop Aloysius Nolasco presided over the solemn service, marking the foreheads of each penitent with ashes, a reminder that our lives, like our revels, are impermanent.




With Carnival officially closed, one jelly-legged and red-eyed penitent paused while leaving the chapel and remarked, “Holy and profane, sordid and sacred … that’s New Toulouse. That’s the rhythm of our lives.” He then tipped his hat, bid me adieu, and shuffled off bayou way, singing out to the stars, “Dum vivimus vivamus” (“While we live, let us live”).

---

Diogenes Teufelsdröckh resides in New Toulouse Bayou, where he drinks bourbon, wrestles mudbugs, and ponders the Mysteries.

Following a sharp rise in reports of local hauntings, a fresh survey of ghostly activity is taking place in New Toulouse Parish.

The Spectral Activity Survey will continue through December 5, so be on the lookout for any haints, spooks, wraiths, phantoms, specters, poltergeists, or other apparitions. Citizens who register 20 ghosts with the Beacon Spiritualist Institute will gain access to gifts organized by the Taloo Boosters Society.

“The ghosts of this parish, among them the oldest inhabitants of the area, have for too long been without a voice,” said Richard Mains, a recently deceased candidate for New Toulouse mayor. “Since many ghosts are housebound, we call upon the living to find us and tell our stories.”

The most recent survey of this type was undertaken in November 1914, when 2,720 spirits were reported in this parish.

To get started finding ghosts, visit the Beacon Spiritualist Institute at 23 Nightingale Street, New Toulouse, and pick up your “Ghost Hunter’s Kit.”

---

Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, is awfully fond of spirits.

WANTED

WANTED: GHOST HUNTERS for the 1917 Spectral Activity Survey of New Toulouse Parish. Rewards offered. Survey begins November 7. Beacon Spiritualist Institute, 23 Nightingale St., New Toulouse.

OLD GOLD AND SILVER wanted. Highest cash prices paid. Money loaned on diamonds, watches, pistols, shot guns, musical instruments and all kinds of personal property. AMERICAN LOAN OFFICE, No. 5 Pirate Alley, I. INAKA, Prop. Tel. NT-780.

---

FOR SALE

LAND FOR SALE. See our list of properties on page 7.

STEREOTYPE matrices make the best and cheapest lining for poultry houses. They are 17×23 inches, stronger and more durable than tarred felt, and practically fireproof. L$1 a hundred at the Tattler office.

---

SITUATIONS WANTED

PHOTOGRAPHIC WORK—I wish to inform the public in general and my friends in particular that I am devoting my time to Photographic Work and will be pleased to take pictures of individuals and buildings, any where in the parish. Orders can be left at 23 Nightingale Street where samples of my work can be seen, albeit of a more unusual nature (i.e., spirit photography). A. FUSILIER.

---

NOTICES

ALL PERSONS having bills against the parish are hereby respectfully requested to present same to the Police Jury on Wednesday preceding the regular monthly meeting, otherwise these bills will not be paid until the following meeting of the Police Jury. H. Bodin, Secretary.

UNCLAIMED LETTERS remaining at Station A, New Toulouse, La., Post Office, Monday, November 6: MEN—G. Adam, August Bernard, Master Edward Butler, S. J. Johnson, Gonzales Lae, Jose Lampry, T. Morris, C. M. McCauley, John O’Connor, Lucius Coleman, Master John George, Jr. WOMEN—Mrs. Lizzie Buras, Miss Iceola Castle, Mrs. Gracy Charles, Mrs. Cornelia B. Fredericks (2), Mrs. Eveline Jackson, Miss Alice Ordogne, Mrs. Rosana Pier, Mrs. P. Riskie, Mrs. Philomena Roman, Mme. Marie Moliere. (Signed) CHARLES JANVIER, Postmaster. JOSEPH W. DANIELS, Superintendent Station A.

---

MISCELLANEOUS

NOTICE—First class dressmaking, tailoring and remodeling. Party dresses a specialty. Mesdames Wood and Mouse, NT-855.

YOUR CROP IN STORAGE is like money in the bank. We’re loaning at 3% using your harvested crop as collateral. Planter’s Bank of New Toulouse.

WHEN DEMOCRACY GOES TO WAR democracy fights that war and pays for it. That’s what the Liberty bonds are for. Will you buy your bond today?

---

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

WANTED

OLD GOLD AND SILVER wanted. Highest cash prices paid. Money loaned on diamonds, watches, pistols, shot guns, musical instruments and all kinds of personal property. AMERICAN LOAN OFFICE, No. 5 Pirate Alley, I. INAKA, Prop. Tel. NT-780.

---

FOR SALE

LAND FOR SALE. See our list of properties on page 7.

---

HELP WANTED

BOY WANTED for delivering meat on bicycle. Perrineau & Co., Shotgun Row at Woodget.

---

SITUATIONS WANTED

PARTIES DESIRING STENOGRAPHIC and typewriting work, specifications copied, circular letters, addressing of circulars and envelopes can have same done by Miss Cecelia Hymel, 315 Alix St.

---

NOTICES

SANITARY NOTICE. The throwing of dead animals and other refuse in the streets and ditches of New Toulouse is prohibited, and persons guilty of doing so will be fined. All householders are urged to help keep the town in a healthful condition by keeping their premises clean and free from rubbish of all descriptions. H. GODENOT, Mayor.

---

MISCELLANEOUS

SISTER GOLD, Traiteur. Is your True Love True? Are you? Sister Gold knows. NT-528.

IF YOU SHOULD DIE TONIGHT, would you leave your wife and children protected? A policy in the Mutual Independent Insurance Company is the best protection there is. AGRICOLA FUSILIER, Agent.

HARK BACK—ADDICTS—A Neal course of treatment leaves a memory behind pleasanter than your drug dreams. It will be the shining calendar mark from which to date your re-enfranchisement as a FREE WILLED creature; but that’s not all. The few days you need to stay here will be recalled as physically pleasant days. For by the Neal Way the craving is quenched with none of the terrific withdrawal misery that now daunts you. Write for book (sent in plain wrapper) or call for particulars (in confidence). Neal Institute, 815 East 49th street, Chicago. Phone 439 Oakland.

---

PERSONALS

MARRY IF LONELY—For results, try me. Many wealthy wishing early marriage; very successful, confidential; strictly reliable; years of experience; descriptions free. The Successful club, Mrs. Purdue, Box 550, Oakland, Cal.

---

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

WANTED

OLD GOLD AND SILVER wanted. Highest cash prices paid. Money loaned on diamonds, watches, pistols, shot guns, musical instruments and all kinds of personal property. AMERICAN LOAN OFFICE, No. 5 Pirate Alley, I. INAKA, Prop. Tel. NT-780.

---

FOR SALE

LAND FOR SALE. See our list of properties on page 7.

---

NOTICES

UNCLAIMED LETTERS remaining at Station A, New Toulouse, La., Post Office, Monday, October 16: WOMEN—Jas. Cahill, Hester Fennes, Mrs. Galla, M. Hargis, Fanny James, Bertha Johnson, Clemitine Johnson, (2); Louisie Lyrod. MEN—Freddie Ross. (Signed) CHARLES JANVIER, Postmaster. JOSEPH W. DANIELS, Superintendent Station A.

---

MISCELLANEOUS

WE ARE EAGER to have every woman in this vicinity know of the merits of Wirthmor L$1.00 Waist. We want them to know this not only because they will thereafter buy them repeatedly, but more particularly because it demonstrates so convincingly the splendid results that can be attained when the retailer and manufacturer unite in close co-operation with a sincere desire to well serve the buying public. And in this connection let us add that we avail our selves of every opportunity for such co-operation as will be an aid in bettering our service or values. These thoroughly desirable Wirthmor Waists can be sold in just one good store in every city and they are sold here exclusively. B. LEMANN & BRO.

EXPERTO BARBERIA y especialista en cortes de pelo ofrece sus servicios a to la colonia Latina y tambien a domicilio, Masaje electrico—Agua fria y caliente. De del Telefono NT-445. Expert Barber specializing in all style haircuts—Foreign, American, Scientific massage. SILVANO CHAVEZ, 413 Dauphin St.

---

PERSONALS

WOULD THE PERSON who left a message with my housekeeper over the weekend please phone again now that I am back in town. Having failed to solve the puzzle that was her note, I don’t know who you are, what you wanted, or how to get in touch with you. MRS. ETHEL VARNISH, tel. NT-966.

---

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

WANTED

OLD GOLD AND SILVER wanted. Highest cash prices paid. Money loaned on diamonds, watches, pistols, shot guns, musical instruments and all kinds of personal property. AMERICAN LOAN OFFICE, No. 5 Pirate Alley, I. INAKA, Prop. Tel. NT-780.

---

FOR SALE

VELVET ICE CREAM BRICKS—pints 25c, larger ones 35c. Just phone Peter Rupp’s Drug Store. He will deliver promptly. NEW TOULOUSE ICE CREAM CO.

---

NOTICES

ALL PERSONS having bills against the parish are hereby respectfully requested to present same to the Police Jury on Wednesday preceding the regular monthly meeting, otherwise these bills will not be paid until the following meeting of the Police Jury. H. Bodin, Secretary.

---

MISCELLANEOUS

GET THAT FALL SUIT READY. During the next few weeks the fall suit will come in mighty nice, and in a short while you will be wearing it every day. Put the Palm Beach away! But before doing so let us clean and press it so that it will be ready for service any minute or even next summer. Lin Laundry, phone NT-435.

“WHAT A COMFORT!” An Electric Iron saves so much discomfort these hot days. New Toulouse Railway & Lighting Co., phone NT-790.

ELOCUTION. New Toulouse Elocution teacher is teaching a branch class of her College of Elocution and Oratory at the residence of Capt. and Mrs. Sam. S. McNeely, 319 Opelousas avenue, on every Thursday evening at 4 p. m.

---

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

WANTED

OLD GOLD AND SILVER wanted. Highest cash prices paid. Money loaned on diamonds, watches, pistols, shot guns, musical instruments and all kinds of personal property. AMERICAN LOAN OFFICE, No. 5 Pirate Alley, I. INAKA, Prop. Tel. NT-780.

---

FOR SALE

VELVET ICE CREAM BRICKS—pints 25c, larger ones 35c. Just phone Peter Rupp’s Drug Store. He will deliver promptly. NEW TOULOUSE ICE CREAM CO.

DOWN ON THE RIVERSIDE. Bayou with a city view? Yes indeed! See what land is for sale on page 7.

---

FOR RENT

RETAIL/GALLERY/OFFICE SPACE available. Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

---

NOTICES

UNCLAIMED LETTERS remaining at Station A, New Toulouse, La., Post Office, Monday, September 18. MEN—Isidore Charles, R. H. Dossat, Jr., Camille Gudroz, M. V. Gonner, Sam. Johnson, W. Waismith, Artha Williams, spl., Doff Williams, Isaac White. WOMEN—Miss Florine Adams, Mrs. Henia Ethia, Mrs. Mary Jackson, Miss Mary Louise, Mrs. Elizabeth Monroe, Mrs. Mary Peterson, Miss Tutie Preston, Mrs. Kitty Robertson, Mrs. Lawrence Tullire, Miss Marie Washer, Miss Nolia Williams. MISCELLANEOUS—”Master of New Toulouse, La., Hindoo Wonder.” (Signed) CHARLES JANVIER, Postmaster. JOSEPH W. DANIELS, Superintendent Station A.

---

MISCELLANEOUS

WHEN SCHOOL OPENS the children will do better “home-work” by electric light. It is also cheaper. NEW TOULOUSE RAILWAY & LIGHTING CO., phone NT-790.

LOVELY YOUNG SUFFRAGETTES are waiting for your call. Discuss politics and pantaloons for only L$5 per minute. Phone NT-355 now!

SPANISH CIDER—In spite of existing difficulties of importation, we manage to continue to get the best of the foreign drinkables and edibles through for our patrons. This new importation of Spanish cider, for instance. An appetizing sparkling table drink that appeals to the whole family. We are introducing it in New Toulouse—30c the pint. SOLARI’S.

MIDDLETON’S GINGER BEER—another family beverage new to New Toulouse. A ginger drink with a snappy, spicy tang to it that puts it in a class all by itself. In 10-oz. bottles, at 15c. SOLARI’S.

WHAT WOULD GEORGE WASHINGTON or Abraham Lincoln think of the American who failed to buy United States Liberty bonds?

EXPERTO BARBERIA y especialista en cortes de pelo ofrece sus servicios a to la colonia Latina y tambien a domicilio, Masaje electrico—Agua fria y caliente. De del Telefono NT-445. Expert Barber specializing in all style haircuts—Foreign, American, Scientific massage. SILVANO CHAVEZ, 413 Dauphin St.

---

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.