Mondieu Reviews

New Toulouse on a Budget

Various locations
New Toulouse

Woke up at predawn with a terrible thirst. I’m at the Hôtel Sur le Toit, a Gloryville rooftop flop. Drank a couple cups of joe and breakfasted on marshmallows roasted over a burning Christmas tree. Need water or something, maybe some toast. Checked my pockets: L$30, less L$10 now for the room and board. At the alleyway entrance to the hotel, some derelict has set up house in a crate. My accommodations last night were practically posh in comparison.

Passing by Lafitte’s. Ugh, fish nog is responsible for the evil elves tapdancing behind my eyeballs. I’d tell Morty the barkeep to go to hell, except I think he has a vacation spot there already. Anyway I can’t afford hair of the dog right now.

“New Toulouse Artist Residency”—say, that’s new. I’m artistic! Art is practically pouring out of my ears! I wonder how much it costs to room here. No time to stop and inquire—I must have hydration and sustenance, pronto.

A refreshing fizzy beverage from a machine outside the Old Town General Store! I’m saved by technology and Blake Palmer’s early adoption of same! The sun’s rising, and so are my spirits.

I loaded up a plate with corned beef and cabbage at the Cup and Harp dining hall, but some swanky-looking guy grabbed it out of my hands and kicked me out of the place! Luckily I managed to snag the piece of bread with raisins in it and conceal it on my person.

Miss Liza’s reading cafe is hosting some terrifyingly festive singing … mushrooms? While everyone was hypnotized by the dancing skull-fungus, I snatched a pear from a fruit bowl.

Miss Yvonne at the land office said she’d give me a Crawdy’s gift certificate if I ran an errand for her. Of course I leaped at the chance, but I can’t tell you what the job was. By the way, I contributed to this holiday decor by personally emptying a large share of those bottles. You’re welcome, New Toulouse.

Finally, a real meal. I feel almost human now. Plus I picked up the Crawdy’s Fishmas present, but I won’t spoil the surprise for you.

Speaking of fish, there’s a barrel of free ones here by the seafood stall. The one I got has a talent for swimming without water. It’s some kind of piscine prodigy. Also, who left a giant pile of stinky fish on that dock? Is that even legal?

All that walking and food made me drowsy. Good thing nap space on this bench in Laveau Square is free.

Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, believes in Santa Claus. He also believes he’ll have another drink.